Family... I look at mine and I look around me. The following statement will surely wake the wrath of a lot of people but anyway. It is obvious that most of the couples last in time for 2 main reasons: fear and hypocrisy. Fear has many faces. Fear of conflict, of splitting, of being alone, of hurting each other, of seeing one's life falling apart, of losing what has been built, of realizing that one has believed in illusions, of having to start a new life again, of hurting the children... Hypocrisy has only 2 faces. One can lie to himself, trying to convince oneself that everything is fine. One can lie to the partner, living a double life. Given the success of the divorce and extramarital dating websites, I tend to think that my observations may be somehow true. Given the reluctance of people before engaging in marriage or in a long term relationship, I tend to think that many are aware that something is wrong and we surround ourselves with many precaution to avoid getting trapped. Where is the problem?
It think that the problem comes from a cultural aberration, which is against the laws of nature. The notion of family which is suggested to our mind is confusing. It combines 2 different things. Why do women have to meet the man of their life? Why do men have to meet the woman of their life? To get married and have lots of children. This is quite tricky, one must be sure to be able to bare the partner until to the end of one's life, because once the children are born, it cannot be undone. This is precisely where the problem lies. There is a big shift between the feelings flows and the requirements of parenthood.
On the one hand, a human child originates from the meeting of an ovum and a sperm. The ovum comes from a woman, the sperm comes from a man. So every alive or dead human has biologically a father and a mother, this fact cannot be changed. On the other hand, the heart has reasons that reasoning does not know. When attraction brings 2 beings together, no matter its intensity, no one can foresee how the relation will unfold. It can last a day or a lifetime, it can be tinged with harmony or chaos. The children need a consistent and stable environment to grow, while human feelings need freedom and apparent irrationality. The biologigical structure of the society is absolutely static, while its emotional structure is volatile. How to reconcile these 2 opposite systems? I don't know. But believing in illusions can be harmful.
I feel like it would be beneficial to separate love and child. They don't necessarily belong to the same basket. Let's imagine. The marriage could be solely designed to protect the sane growth of the children. Under these conditions, the future parents would choose each other according to strict criteria. The choice of a partner would objectively rely on the physical, emotional and intellectual capacities to take a child's growth. This choice should be made calmly, for love at first sight, a moment of madness, a sudden passion or any other striking event is definitely not conducive to the long-term efforts required by the child's unfoldment. Love would then be totally free to occur outside of the family frame.
Marriage, as it is currently defined, has always bothered me. A relationship only concerns the people who are involved in it. By what right an official agent can make 2 poeple swear publicly to love each other and to be faithful for the rest of their life? Why does he interfere? Politicians are not even able to keep their election promises, what right do they have to require any oath of emotional loyalty between 2 beings? As long as it involves consenting people, love is a private matter. So why do the government come to stick its nose in it? How can we sign a paper stating that we swear to love someone until we die? This is so daring.
If marriage is only an administrative framework to know the biological structure of the society and to protect the children then signing a bunch of paper is meaningful. In addition, the freedom to act expands. One can get several marriages by making children with different people. No need to lock oneself in a house, thus creating self-sufficient micro-societies. As long as the commitments are met and the child is well treated, everyone can live whererever they want, however they wish. Why not living in communities? Childcare is easier. Moreover the children meet a great variety of adults to build their own character, just in case their parents model wouldn't suit them. We would be free to add a 3rd or a 4th co-parent on the contract, if other people are personally involved in the child's education and could take over if the parents have an impediment. In case of conflict, no more need to unpack one's private life in front of a judge because the dispute will only be related to the lack of commitment to the child's education. Poeple could make some children with a co-parent and others with the love of their life, keeping in mind that this option is more risky because of the emotional fluctuations.
This clarification may bring great benefits to the parents. Many people want to have children but they wait. For what? For the perfect person. Indeed, our cultures pretend that a crazy love must connect the people who want to reproduce. What for a waste! Time passes by so the people finally pretend to love an acceptable person by fear of the loss of fertility. Frustrations guaranteed. Risk of uneasiness in the family mood. If love and parenthood were separated, the people wishing to sail on the adventure of reproduction could very quickly find the ideal partner, negociate the implementations for the collaboration and join in after signing the contract which legally protects their future offspring. They would thus be fully available to peacefully find love outside of the family. Finding a co-parent with a good sense of responsibility is fast and easy. Finding love can take a lifetime. Why not separating these 2 things, which are so difficult to synchronize?
This clarification may bring more stability to the children. With the current family pattern, the child is the hostage of his parents emotions. He knows that his survival depends on the weather which springs between the adults around him. Any tension between them puts him under an intense stress. In theory, the parents are there to protect but actually their intimate storms hurt. 2 people who come together for the sole purpose of procreation have no reason to argue. If they have carefully chosen each other from the start, then they have agreed on the key points of the child's education, so their disagreement may only be related to minor details. In such a family, the children may feel that the adults who are there, have no other purpose than his well-being. Isn't it reassuring? He becomes the center of the family instead of being the couple's appendage. Isn't it fairer? He becomes the reason to be of the family instead of being the extension of an uncertain emotional relationship. Isn't it more stable?
This clarification may bring fresh air to the society. Indeed, many people lie because they are afraid of being asked more than they want to give. If parenthood was a clearly defined activity, human interactions would be simpler, lying would not be of any use anymore. When approaching someone in view of parenthood involvement, it is clear, it is yes or no or negotiable. Approaching someone without mentioning parenthood would clearly be pure seduction. The people would be able to safely let their feelings unfold as they are intended, without any unwanted interference. Will it last for a night or a lifetime? The question can be freely asked with confidence, without any parasitic social issue.
One may say that I'm lunatic. And yet thing currently happen just as I have described. How many couples tear themselves, to find out who will keep the TV and children, because after 10 years of marriage, they have finally realized that it was not for a lifetime? How many people get married and have children to please mom and dad, while bonking at lunchtime with their male or female work colleagues? How many women fuck in the nightclub bathrooms, just to become pregnant without being forced to stay with the same guy until the end of their life? How many women ask a gay friend to lend them a little bit of sperm to make a baby? How many men disappear without a trace in case of unwanted pregnancy because they are not willing to spend their life with the same woman? Life is already like I have said above. I just proposed to formalize the actual practices, to get rid of the oppressive hypocrisy and bulky lies. The biological structure of the society is immutable, it can be administratively registered. Human relationships are too fluctuating to be set on papers.
If the people are free to pursue their emotional lives as they see fit, frustration no longer reigns over them. No more need to let off steam against the kids when one is tensed. No more need to plump for the children in order to compensate the lack of affection, at the risk of developing unhealthy relationships or creating a mutual addiction. The blossoming of the adults can be good for children as they learn by imitating their parents. Imagine a society where it would quite normal to say : "Here are the parents of my children and here is the love of my life". By the way, what about love? The birth of a child in a current family redistributes the affective links, it can be upsetting for some people, this can lead to tensions. With the clarification, the child enjoys the affection of the whole family, he doesn't compete with his parents relation. What would the famous Oedipus complex become if the parents were only bound by friendship and respect?
What about the ceremonies in black suit and white dress? Instead of celebrating the fact that two people have vowed to sleep together for the rest of their life, the clans could meet at every birth. The current marriage could be replaced by a family baptism. It would be logical to massively gather to welcome the newcomer. It makes sense to give gifts to the parents at that moment, as raising a new being has a cost. Nothing prevents them from organizing celebrations to introduce the love of their life to their family and friends but the birth of a child is an event which requires assistance, advice, support, resources. In my opinion this event should give rise to collective rejoices.