Violence and negativity
In the spiritual world, it is better to shine as most positive as possible. Softtness is good, violence is bad. So when I announce that I watch all the horror movies coming out in theaters, it has a surprising effect. I also draw from time to time. My productions are sometimes dark, so not everyone like them. So what? The violence is there, do I have to put a lid on it to gently fit in the spiritual mold? Do I have to gorge my eyes with photoshoped dolphins slideshows to cheer up myself? Do I need to saturate my ears with these slow songs, filled with light flutes, sluggish synthetizer sounds, singing birds and flowing water noises to soften me? It would be a sterile brainwashing. More than anything else, all this electronic artificial synthetic sweetness would bring me on my nerves. Where does my violence come from? Perhaps from my experiences.
I have sometimes been close to poverty. It's stressful to not know what to eat during the day and to walk in the street hoping to find a coin on the ground, to buy at least half a loaf of bread, because it would be too painful to beg for money. I have lived under the dictatorship . It's stressful to see soldiers everywhere in the streets, knowing that they have the right to shoot anyone and that the mere fact of uttering the name of the leader in a bad way can be fatal. I've had health problems. It's stressful to feel the pain for years, to the point of not even being able to walk, sit, lie down or sleep and to hear the specialists saying that it's a birth defect, it's wear due to age, it is of unknown origin or that it is in the head. I have experienced intimate violence. It is stressful to be sexually assaulted and raped as a child, knowing that the shattered personality, will never become as it was supposed to be. I am a gynephile. It's stressful to see the fellow kids running happily all over the playground, thinking that an abyss separates us as a result of a curse, originating from nowhere, knowing that it is impossible to confide in anyone, under penalty of being scorned, mocked or humiliated, and to see god himself joining the society to sing along insulting tunes.
Sometimes people who experience intimate violence turn to surreal outlets, like spirituality and pornography among others. Indeed, many porn actresses have been raped. They engage in extreme and degrading practices to numb their emotions, thus avoiding to feel their suffering. Many spiritual researchers have also suffered this kind of violence and seek to escape to a wonderful abstract world. Pornography is like fighting fire with fire. Spirituality is like fighting fire with water. I fell on that side. When I was a child I wanted to become a nun. I could imagine myself living in a permanent state of ethereal joy, being a pure spirit without a body, connected to a bright and loving god. This dream left me at the age of 16, when I realized that the nuns live the same life as all the other human beings. They have the same daily worries and the same existential problems. The veil doesn't bring the heavenly bliss that I coveted.
My constant quest may come from this. The isolation, misunderstanding and recurrent pains may have pushed me to look for answers. Real answers. Undestructible answers. No fairy tales which sweetly smooth and conceal the pain. Even spread with sweetness, pain remains painful. Only its eradication provides relief. To eradicate it, one must first find it. Logic. If it is buried under a pile of soothing positivity, it may stay there for long time, why not a lifetime, secretly sabotaging every aspect of the life.
This is how I make my merry way. My attitudes doesn't get on well with the overwhelming positivity of the spiritual world, so what. I don't want to please, I prefer to move on.
The black color
My favorite color is blue but I like to dress in black because it calms me down. When we want to relax, we close our eyes to block the light flow. When we want to meditate, we usually close our eyes to be in the dark too. It is advised for insomniacs to sleep in total darkness because it promotes sleep and the body regeneration. The light excites, the absence of light calms. Despite the negative fantasies that surround the black color, it is biologically calming. The white casts all the colors of the light spectrum, it's tiring for the sensory organs when the nerves are already overstretched. The black absorbs the light, it warms the body when the sun lighting is low. It also soothes the senses, for they have less data to process. The black calms me for physiological reasons. Too bad if most people see a lot of negativity in it. It is difficult to change mindsets but it is impossible to change the laws of nature.
I am very careful because I quickly fall into addiction. When something gives me a semblance of joy, I dive in it, sometimes in spite of my health or in defiance of common sense. Some of my addictions have ended because it was not enough, they were making things worse. They provide a moment of euphoria but when the substance is no longer effective, the pain strikes back, more powerful. Stress increases in the long term instead of decreasing as promised.
For years, I have drank a lot of alcohol. I was locked myself in my house, dribnking alone. I used to add sugar in the wine and cigarette ashes in the beer, to fly higher. I often went so far as to losing consciousness for several hours. When I woke up, I could not remember anything, I have never recovered the memory of those lost moments. My 21 days process had an interesting side effect. Now the smell of alcohol makes me slightly sick. I cling to this little sickness sensation, for if I overcome it one day, I know that I will start my massive alcohol consumption again, because the need to smash my head is still there.
For many years also I couldn't go to bed without smoking cannabis. When I was out of stock, I was spending the whole night crying in despair. This dependence has disappeared after a classic 7 days fasting. Now I cook cannabis from time to time, because it is not only a plant that makes me laugh. I know that a spiritual seeker should not take drugs, it's not good, but without necessarily joining in the psychonauts movement, I find that this substance gives access to moments of understanding that I find exciting and valuable.
Since childhood, I can not spens a day without eating sugar. In my hands a pack of chocolate biscuit is over in 5 minutes. I'm still addicted but I know that by treating the root problems, I will naturally move away from this hard drug, the hardest of all. In the meantime, I apologize to my body whenever I overload it with sugar excesses. I modestly asked it to take what it needs and to discard all the rest without a hesitation. I know, spiritual seekers should avoid excesses, but I do not try to control my sugar intake. This compensation plays an essential part in my nervous balance, waiting for a real solution. Depriving me would unnecessarily put me in a state of tension.
I love watching horror movies. Not slaughter movies, with human psychopaths who engage in a competition of free cruelty. It looks too much like reality. I prefer the surreal plots, full of zombies, aliens, monsters, ghosts, vampires, genetic mutations, with hemoglobin spurting everywhere. It's not good, it's negative, I know, everyone say it and it is written everywhere. So I asked myself why I enjoy this. Am I bad? I seem to have found an explanation in the work of Dr. Muriel Salmona. Violence can sometimes be used to anesthetize the emotional pain resulting from trauma.
So I say to myself that in order to get one's dose of anesthetic violence, it is better to watch a fictional movie, rather than curbing to then go on destroying or killing others, when the saturation threshold is reached. Real explanation or justification of my lousy perverse tendencies? I don't know. This is how I go step by step. I have found an explanation which seems to be true today, maybe I'll find a better one tomorrow. I know that one day I will no longer need those horror movies, it's useless to fight, I just have to let myself be naturally carried by the results of the efforts that I make to solve the real problems.
Let's be honest, when there are things in our head which are not so nice, we want to fly away from them. But as the head pilots the existence, escaping one's own head leads to escaping from reality. Unfortunately the spirituality which is supposed to guide, offers effective ways to get lost. Some currels propose the use of psychotropic drugs to connect to the divine. Something tells me that only a small minority of followers are sincere. The others just want to escape reality without seing themselves as junkies on the run.
Spiritual practices can also provide incredible extra-sensory perceptions. When experiencing such moments we claim: "Wow! I'm unfolding". But honestly, where is the progress? There is none. It works just like the drugs. When the perception is there, we fly in total bliss high above the earth. When the vision vanishes, the life has not changed, the pain is still there, the ignorance has remained unchanged. Hovering in a meditation is like going to the theatre with one's entire body rather than with the eyes alone. It's incredibly beautiful, powerfully vivid, then it disappears, leaving only impressive memories. My tendency to addiction made me eagerly seeking for these moments of "grace". Just one more drug, which made me stagnate thinking I was moving forward.
I don't want any of these anymore . I do not want to connect to an heavenly god, I do not want to reach the sheer bliss, I do not want spectacularly entertaining visions. Let's be logic a few minutes. Am I stupid or illogical? No? So why have I incarnated myself? I have incarnated myself to lead a bodily life, so my progress must necessarily involve my physical life. So what keeps me away from my body is misguidance. There is no way that my "heart opens" while the rest of my being shrinks. There is no way that my mind reaches the highest levels while the rest of me crawls in the mud. There is no way that I become pure consciousness, pure love or any other pure abstraction. If there must be progress then all must participate unconditionally : my heart, my mind, my body. Now I am mad at the dogmas that have misled me, making me believe that it was possible to fulfill my traumatic desires for unreality.
Wether spiritual or not, large gatherings are also a good way to fly hight. They produce tremendous amounts of energy. But what is the purpose behind this energy? Does it conceal toxic emotional smell? Is it a vehicle for harmful intellectuals hints? What do we do with all this human fuel? Do we use it to improve our lives, to rule over the people, to stagnate in sterile patterns, to get high positive emotions, to reload batteries which are quickly depleted by a flawed existence, to lead murderous crusades and devastating inquisitions?
Energy is an essential element to life, flowing everywhere. Like air, it can be pure or polluted. Like the rain, it can be sweet or stinging. Like water, it can gush or stagnate. Like fire, it can warm up or destroy. Like money, it can bring comfort or greed. Like light, it can illuminate or blind. Like petrol, it can make a plane fly or oil seabirds to death. Like pain, it can make compassionate or cruel. The energy is not automatically beneficial. It's just a tool which can be used to build or to destroy, at the wrong or the right time, with the good or the bad people.
It is natural to exchange energy but in this walk of life, just like in the others, I am convinced that fraud is more widespread than we think. I feel that only artists are honest about this. They are struggling to seduce, to fascinate and to attract the love of a maximum of admirers. These intense emotions focused on them provide them with human energy. This is what they claim to be looking for. What about the others? Does the politician holding a meeting seeks only the happiness of its citizens ? Does the spiritual master, object of devotion, is only trying to guide his followers? Is the carefully looked at TV speaker just trying to inform the audience? Is the therapist who receives dozens of people just trying to heal the pain? Does a woman who has a child only wants to see it grow and unfold? Are the partakers of yoga classes only aiming at stretching their muscles?
Sometimes I feel blur intentions behind apparently generous behaviors. Paranoia or intuition ? I don't know. Still, I hate physical contact, I tolerate it in a therapeutic context. I also have very few friends because I feel that most people only think about taking thoroughly without giving anything deep in return. Am I the only one to feel this ambient energy greed? I don't know. Anyway I live in isolation, waiting to find a way to manage my perceptions. Yes, I know : spirituality = we are all as one = all united by peace and divine love. This statement doesn't match my perceptions. I don't want to ruin my health by denying my perceptions deny or by participating in this friendly haggling, consisting in superficially sympathizing with the neighbors to siphon them as much as possible while that they try to perform the same operation on me. I can feel that my loneliness gnaws at me, but it also calms me down, waiting for a better solution.
All these things may shine negative. I used to worry about them before. I was depressed to see my own behavior. This is no longer the case today. I have solved a lot of issue, got rid of a lot of addictions, I walked away from a lot of illusions, I have fixed a lot of defects... In short I can see that I don't stagnate. Thus, harmful compensations, alarming symptoms and traumatic attitudes gradually disappear from my life. It would be foolish to fight them because they are useful. Canceling a compensation without solving its cause, is like depriving oneself from crutches in spite of a sprain. They are the branches and leaves of the problems I'd rather destroy the roots.