The fairy tales
When I was an itsy-bitsy-tiny little girl, I was dreaming of wearing black. For my mother, it was out of the question. She felt that black was a sad color. So I decided that when I grow up, I would only buy me black clothes.
As a teenager, my tastes changed, I wanted to wear black clothes with white stripes. I put this fad on account of my origins. Indeed, it could symbolize the fact that I'm half african and half european.
When I started to work and to finally earn my own money, I started to fullfill my dream but I quickly stopped. In offices with air conditioning, carpet on the floor, chairs with wheels and suits and ties everywhere, you cannot dress in an original style, it goes very wrong.
It is with great bitterness that I forced myself to wear some other colors, for the people to not focus negatively on me. Outside of work, I tried to also vary my style, by fear of the laughters of my "friends."
The few times I was in black and white, I used to respect the color code even into my socks and underwear. I also felt the need to add a touch of red. This irresistible tendencies were confusing me a little bit.
My beloved color is blue.
In second place I like violet.
So why this obsession for black-white-red?
One fine day, I discovered Women who run with the wolves, the book published by the psychoanalyst Clarissa Pinkola Estés. She says that fairy tales have psychotherapeutic virtues because of their symbolic images. Although the interpretations that she gives to tales seemed complicated to me, I embraced the concept. I bought the complete works of Grimm and Andersen, thinking that if they really had healing properties for the mind then just reading the tales, without asking questions, without trying to explain, would be unconsciously beneficial for my mind. The tales are captivating to read. Some stories seem to convey humor, morality or wisdom but others are rather confusing. Trying to understand their meaning can only give headaches.
In September 2003, one of the tales from Grimm literally blasted me. After reading it, I was left dazed, unable to continue my reading, without even knowing why. It was called Snow-White. From the first lines, I was hypnotized by the scene, "Black as ebony, white as snow, red as blood". I found this landscape bewitching. At the end of the story I was stunned, frozen, sad and happy, excited and dejected, depressed and elated, tired and excited, relieved and angry, unable to think.
I like to draw but since that day, I only make black-white-red drawings. It's quite hard for me to use the other colors. The story of Snow-White haunts me constantly. This can be problematic, for instance when choosing a bank because of the color of its logo, regardless of its prices. Something was telling me that my life was like this tale. It took me 10 years to understand the real meaning of it. Snow-White actually describes the unfoldment of my life and it is not so symbolic, however it is very concrete. I can't give in detail all the similarities between this story and me, because it would require me to spread my private life, anyway it is impressive.
Snow-White has hair as black as ebony.
The hair frames the head, it grows outward like waves emitted by the brain or like antennas planted in the skull. We can assume that they stand for the mind.
Ebony is a black wood, massive, dense, compact, homogeneous. The tree must grow for about 20 years to produce this material. Because of its hardness, it can not be carved by any craftsman, cabinetmakers are specialized in this field.
My thoughs unfold like ebony. I hesitate pretty much, I think a lot, it takes me a lot of time to make decisions, but once they are made, it is almost impossible to change my mind.
Black absorbs all the light, it sends nothing. Similarly, I'm very curious, I absorb a lot of knowledge, but I have a very selective memory. Many things come into my head, the little that remains is like engraved in stone.
I like when my thoughts are simple, direct ,smooth, solid and consistent. Dilemmas, paradoxes and other convoluted configurations throw me into anxiety, which can lead to somatization. Twists and turns and intellectual embroidery make me angry, I equate all this to lies or hypocrisy. It's true or false, it's all or nothing.
Snow-White has a skin as white as snow.
The skin protects and decorates the body. It sets a boundery between the inner and the outer. It enables to interact with the world by generating good or bad sensations. Its color and texture show the general condition of a person. We can assume that it stands for emotion.
The snow falls and covers everything with a white uniform coat, so that we can't distinguish much, for the sky, the horizon and the earth have are the same color. It swirls slightly as pretty ephemeral flakes. Although it is beautiful, it is cold. Although cold, it can burn. When it melts, everything is soaked. It can turn into slippery or sharp icicles.
My emotions are similar to snow. They seem to stream out abundantly from nowhere, they invade everything, cover everything. When they disappear they leave room for a heavy and dark depression that can lead to morbid feelings. It's happy or grieving, it's all or nothing.
The white sends back all the light that it receives. Thus, one can find me emotional, playful, dynamic and communicative. One can also find me offensive or cold, some can accuse me of having a heart of stone.
Seen from afar, snow flakes all seem identical. Observed closely, they reveal complex geometrical shapes, perfectly symmetrical, which scatter all the colors of the rainbow. Similarly one can sometimes find me original but my emotions are underpinned by rigor, complexity, subtlety and diversity. Going wild, yes, but not anyhow, I have very strict personal rules that I respect aven when I'm alone with myself.
Snow-White has a mouth as red as blood.
The mouth is usually used to feed by most living beings. It is reasonable to assume that it stands for the body.
The blood feeds and cleans the body, it delivers the good and collects the bad. It is warm, fluid and homogeneous. Under the microscope, its composition is complex and tiny variation in the dosage of some components can have dramatic consequences.
My material life is similar to blood. I love to learn, to discover and to devour what is rewarding physically, mentally or emotionally. When I eat, I ingest more than big portions of food. I eagerly dive in flavor, color and knowledge, to find the precious ones, those which improve my actual life. I enjoy sane abundance without moderation.
Blood flows in rhythm, it never rests. Similarly, order, timing and structure really matter to me. Homogeneity, harmony ,balance, purity and dynamism are essential in my daily life. What moves me most in music is first the rhythm, then the tune and finally the lyrics.
I like to destroy what is harmful. I cannot stand that which is false, useless, stagnant, messy, toxic, so I protect myself a lot and I runaway whenever it's possible. When I'm surrounded by these poisoned foods, I tightly lock myself like an oyster. I either stop eating or stuff my stomach when cirumstances are unbearable. Here again I swing from an extreme to the other, it's all or nothing.
The 3 deaths
When she finds refuge by the 7 dwarves, Snow-White undergoes 3 deadly attacks. Not surprisingly, the 3 strikes aim at her 3 qualities. A lace stifles her snow skin, a comb poisons her ebony hair, her blood mouth crunches a half-white half-red apple. The dwarves find her dead each time. They succeed in reviving her twice, but they fail the 3rd time. They don't bury her corpse because she looks so alive.
Similarly, my life has been sliced by 3 striking shocks, the kind of events which cut the life in 2 sharp pieces, the moments when the world suddenly switches for you and you alone, the minutes when you know that nothing will ever be the same, the instants when we do not see what to do except let it die.
Thus, at the age of 7 years and a half I wanted to end my life, I really couldn't see the point in pursuing my way. But a compelling something was telling me that willingly ending my life would bring more trouble than reliefs so I had no choice but to wait for the natural or accidental end of my existence. This decision has never left me. I live only to wait for death.
The 3 and the 7
As a child, 7 has always been my sacred number, my divine luck. 3 was my everyday number. When I was doing things, buying things or when events occurred, I felt more comfortable when they were coming by 3. For instance, when I had 2 good marks in a same subject at school, I demanded that there be a 3rd one to feel good, no matter if the 4th one was pathetic.
Snow-White has 3 colors, she undergoes 3 murders attempts, 3 animals come to bow before her corpse... Things happen by 3 in this tale. 3 could represent the 3 dimensions of the being : mind, emotion, body. This expresses again the all or nothing. Either the whole being is involved or not at all. What happens, affects the 3 aspects of life as a whole. That which impacts one aspect, necessarily touches the 2 others as well. There is no buffer, no shock absorber, it's all or nothing, it's 0 or 1, knowing that the 1 includes 3 parts, like a trident.
Snow-White runs away when she is 7 years old, she lives by the 7 dwarves, beyond the 7 mountains... The 7 provides the events with rhythm and structure. The 7 is often used by the currels to set rites and laws. I feel that there are 7 fundamental laws which create the infinity of laws governing the universe, but I can't join in anything. The dwarves dig the mountain to extract precious minerals. Similarly, my laws must be concrete, natural, solid, beautiful and deep. I'm often in conflict with the rules of society, so complicated, artificial, superficial, ugly and aberrant.
He is ready to buy Snow-White's corpse at any price, to bring her in his kingdom. Moved by his dedication, the dwarves give it to him for free. Who is he? Given my current situation I don't know. Some of the story's characters are attitudes or moods that I have developed in reaction to the benevolent or malicious requests from the outside world. Some other characters are outsiders, people or social concepts. Will the prince come from inside or outside? It seems like following him means moving away from the 7 laws of nature. Ouch, this option doesn't appeal to me at all! Will I unconsciously sabotage my journey to stay in the warm house of the 7 natural laws? Who knows?
What I am sure of is that despite my many efforts to try to rebuild my prematurely broken life, I now live like a zombie. Almost no friends, single, unemployed, without ambition, without motivation, without desire, without regret, without plans for the future, locked in my home all day long since more than a year, without any social, sports or cultural activity, eating stodgy food lacking flavor and variety, uncaring about the flow of life, cut off from the world to the point of losing my voice because I rarely use it. I'm always cold, to the point of taking long boiling showers, even in summer.
Every day is the same. I feel that the current day is the only one that I have ever lived since I was born. Yesterday is the same as today. So will tomorrow. All this is only a single day, interspersed with moments when I stuff my stomach and times when I lie down in a bed closing my eyes, because I don't know what else to do in order to entertain this endless day, which have been lasting for more than 400 days and 400 nights.
The few people I occasionally interact with, think that I am pretty vivid, because I am excessively stirred by their contact. But when I'm on my own again, I'm switched off. I can remain seated for hours, with empty eyes, lost in my thoughts, unable to lift a finger, unable to be interested in anything. Dead. I'm dead like I've always been, but nobody has ever noticed it, just like Snow-White whose bright colors give the illusion of vitality whereas she lies motionless and unreachable in a glass coffin.
As a sumup Snow-White symbolizes the kind of ordeals that are likely to be met by someone who leads an all-or-nothing lifestyle at all levels (mental, emotional, physical)
I died at the age of 7 years and a half, I don't know if I will resurrect one day. So why making this blog? Because I don't know what to do to wake me up, I'm not even aware of the scope of my writings. It just comes out of me. Everybody wants to look big, beautiful, strong, positive, brave, active, intelligent, sensitive, warm, loving, brilliant, talented, generous, optimistic, persistent, opened... Fully positive! Therefore according to the criteria of society, I'm antisocial, pessimistic and negative, my life is a failure and I am in a depressed state. So what? Before I was dead and decaying. I fought fiercely to become the undead that I am today. I'm happy with my path. Whether people like it or not, it makes sense, it is natural and I have followed my tracks faithfully.
Is my destiny written in advance? Of course not. I can continue to follow Snow-White's plot or move away from it at my own risks. It's easy to leave the tale, one just need to cling on to one's education and culture or to rebel, by systematically doing the opposite of what society promotes. In both cases, we don't hear the confusing suggestions of the intuition, we just follow paths or anti-paths, which are defined by the outside world.
Are all fairy tales such existential frames or are some of them only entertaining and moralizing? Do we all layer our existence of such frames or does it happen only to a few individuals? Who has invented the existential framed tales? Now when I see people who are attached to the black-white-red, I wonder if they are also Snow-Whites. I suspect them of squatting the art world as the ebony hair triggers mental binges, the snow skin brings a swirl of emotions, the blood mouth gives the taste for bounty of purity.