The conflicting food

In Western countries people eat about 5 times a day: breakfast, snack at 10am, lunch, snack at 4pm, dinner. In addition, the media say we should eat at least 5 fruits and vegetables per day. Phew! Must find some frees lots in the daily schedule to fit them in. Reading the newspapers, we learn a lot of stuff on the benefits of such a plant, such a fruit and other vegetables. We say: "oh, I should eat that to be healthier". If really wanted to follow all the recommendations, we would be so busy ingesting all these good things that we wouldn't even have the time to sleep. So, after bulimia and anorexia, a new eating disorder appeared recently, it's called orthorexia. Some people want so badly to have a healthy diet that they become sick.

It find it tedious to invent a new word each time a new kind of trouble appears. It seems to me that the body knows exactly what it needs, in what quantity and when. Being unable to listen to it, may be the only real eating disorder, it can manifest itself in countless ways. The disorder's symptoms depend on the problem which causes the disorder, the person's character and the messages conveyed by the culture. This statements originates from my experience. I have been through a whole bunch of food adventures which don't fit into the fields usually defined by religience. I haev walked from one classification to another.

The spontaneous up throwing

I started my food adventure by spontaneous vomitings. It started when I was 8 years old. The first time it happened to me, the doctor gave me a whole bunch of drugs, saying that I had suffered from food poisoning because my stomach was fragile and I had to be very careful about my diet. Subsequently, the phenomenon continued to happen at random. I didn't talk about this to anyone because I didn't want to be stuffed with useless remedies. I was sure that the doctor was wrong. I felt that it was not food poisoning because I had no warning discomfort, no pain, no sickness, no nausea, nothing. All of a sudden, it wanted to throw up and it was throwing up, even when my stomach was only containing water, even when it was empty.

Knowing that my troubles had nothing to do with any weakness of my digestive system, I wasn't paying attention to anything and I wasn't depriving me of food. I hated cooked vegetables. I would eat raw vegetables, fruit and sugar. I had a very strong addiction to sugar. Sometimes I ate so much I felt like my stomach was going to explode. Time went by. Throwing up at random became my normality.

When I was about 31 years old, I attended an intensive meditation training. The rules were clear: do not move no matter what. One day I decided to hold on two meditation sessions, without a break, which means that I was going to meditate for 3 hours non-stop. After 2 hours, I felt the alarm signal, indicating that I was going to vomit. Oops ... What to do? Leaving the room or staying there, at the risk of ruining the beautiful carpet and disturbing the other meditators with the noise and smell? I decided to stay.

It could feel it climbing along the esophagus, I was salivating profusely, I was sweating, it was going up, I was having spasms, it was about to go out, I was afraid. But I decided that my impressions were misleading me, even though I knew them by heart, I decided it was not going to happen the way I was thinking. At the very last moment, when I felt like everything would spread on my laps, an intense and sudden cold invaded my entire body. All the sensations disappeared suddenly and I started shivering. I was feeling light, relieved, tired and frozen.

A few months after the course, I was in the street when I felt spontaneous throwing climbing on its way out of my stomach. A statement suddenly popped into my mind: "You want to vomit because you're in a dilemma." I realized that in fact when I was unpleasantly shared, I was feeling so bad that I wanted to reject everything. As the body is often a way out for the mind, mine was throwing the content of its stomach, in its powerless attempt to dismiss the conflict. Nothing came out that day.

Eureka! So in order to not throw anything out, I just need to be very aware and very honest with myself. I just have to always acknowledge the real impact of the events upon me, so that my body doesn't have to impotently try to handle the tensions that I unconsciously impose on it, when I'm in such unpleasant situations that I'm willing to burry my head in the sand. Since that day, I have never had any single spontaneous up throwing.

The yo-yo

When I get fat the extra weight is evenly distributed all over my body. It's the same when I lose weight, I lose a little everywhere. As a result, my weight has swung between 154lbs and 110lbs for several years, without anyone noticing the changes. I've never owned a scale so I used to check my weight occasionally at friends home or by the doctors. I could lose or get 44lbs within a few months.

Sometimes I was eating all day long, especially pastries and chocolate. At noon, my dessert consisted of a full chocolate plate. A whole pack of biscuits lasts for 5 minutes in my hands. It happened to me several times to eat so much that I was hard for my body to digest, it was too much for it, my guts were inflamed for several hours. One could call it bulimia. I knew I had gained weight because I could not get into my pants.

Sometimes I could hardly eat. I was forcing myself to eat a little something every 2 or 3 days. But a really small amount of food otherwise I was feeking heavy, like I had swallowed a cannonball. One could call it anorexia. I knew that I had lost weight because the bottom of my pants were sweeping the floor.

Sometimes I was feeling that I needed a cleaning. I was fasting once a year. I could fast for a month, eating in the evening and drinking a glass of water in the morning. Or I could fast for 7 days, drinking a glass of water in the morning and another one in the evening. I was starting and ending my fasts sharply, without any transition.

The rest of the time I was confused. What to eat? I didn't know. I was never hungry at the conventional times, never hungry at all. I used to eat in order to take breaks in my work, to spend the time, to escape boredom, to enjoy some taste, to accompany the people ... Either eating was a chore and I would performed this task by fear of deficiencies, or it was a way to relieve my emotional stress and I was also afraid to unbalance me with a wrong diet. I was dreaming of living without having to eat.

The 21 days

At the age of 37, I saw a documentary called Am Anfang war das Licht shot by Peter Arthur Straubinger. It really shocked me. Living without eating? This idea drew me like a magnet. The interviewed people were coming from all walks of life, so it's accessible to anyone. Luckily I am anyone. I immediately started the 21 days process, to learn to live without solid food. This is very dangerous. The first week especially can be fatal but I learned so much. I spent 30 days without food. I was ecstatic, so fit, so full of energy.

What the body does feed on in such a circumstance? I don't know. I don't know where the body supply comes from. Despite the lack of food I didn't lose weight. It has nothing to do with fasting. Fasting is tiring, it makes one feel light but sometimes weak. While during those 30 days, I was energetic like I had ever been in my whole life. I was cheerful, optimistic, full of strength, bubbly, I was punchy, I was feeling bright, electrified, explosive. I only needed 4 hours of sleep, my eyes would opened wide at dawn and I was too energetic to remain in bed. I became ultra-sensitive to everything. When the emotions are not correctly managed, this sensitivity can bring about many troubles, it can be very painful.

Why eating again? First because of boredom. Humans spend a huge part of their time eating: shopping, cooking, washing the dishes, snacking, drinking, going to restaurants, having tea, birthdays, parties with friends ... Not eating isolates you from the society. You end up with exended days and an energy geyser in the veins, completely out of touch with the others. I also started eating again because the tastes have always been my loophole, when I was dealing with emotional problems. Without food to calm down myself, my emotional management was much worse than usual. This experience has really turned me upside down. During these 30 outstanding days, strange ideas ran through my head.

I feel like we do not need to eat to live. In fact we are fed by ways of which we know nothing. Eating willingly cut some of these routes, leaving some nutrient supplies in our awkward responsibility. Emotional blockages and intellectual beliefs can also block the automatic feeder routes. I feel like emotional and intellectual issues are the main reasons why we eat several times a day. When we run out of food, we are the prey for thoughts and emotions which are so violent that it cuts all the supply routes and we starve. I feel like we not only feed the body incorrectly but in addition, all this recurring digestion job exhausts the body in the long term. I feel like we are wrong about a lot of things, that given the sophistication of the human body, the current duration of our life is ridiculous, that our mistaken beliefs shorten our lifetime, we should actually live at least for 300 years.

Since that experience I cannot eat like I used to do before. When I have a busy day, I eat in the evening only, to mark the end of the day, the beginning of the relaxation. When my days are boring, I also eat some fruits when I wake up. Hey? What about the 3 meals per day? Have mercy! It is no longer possible. 3 is too much. It's been over a year since I only eat one meal a day and my weight has not changed, I am fit. It seems to me that our body is kept alive by an unknown something and that we should eat occasionally for other reasons, I do not know which ones.

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